I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
