It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
