if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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