i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
