babies were throwing up all over the place
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
