That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize