so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
