i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
