i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
