You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
