cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
