remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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