if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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