I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
