I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
