The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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