I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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