I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
