if only i could text you this smell
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
