i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize