listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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