Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
