Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize