Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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