I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
