Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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