I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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