I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
