Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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