Don't make out with my wife yet
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
