Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
