Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
All I want is dick and wine.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
