she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
