you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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