woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
