So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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