Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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