Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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