Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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