Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
