do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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