My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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