there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
