i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
