bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Randomize
