So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
