she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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