every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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