And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
