believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
