my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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