I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
