Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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