i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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