how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Please don't give away my fajitas
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
