I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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