he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
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