I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
