Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
