My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
