He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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