I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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