I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
