even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
