that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i was born a porn star she said
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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