I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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