umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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