so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize