Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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