we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
